Maybe, I’m just not ready
I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks where each episode featured the downhearted side of myself, hitting rock bottom, feeling bleak and not knowing if the pain would ever go away or if I would be feeling okay again.
That’s what heartbreaks do to people, their rational judgment clouded, immense pain felt in every corner of the heart. I can attest to this.
And quoting of One Republic’s song which is my all-time fav:
With every broken bone,
I swear I lived
I lived and survived through them all. I wouldn’t romanticize heartbreak, heck it hurts like crazy and the worst part of this invisible pain is it’s not as easy to be nursed and when you thought you are okay, the old wounds can be opened and left you bleeding. I didn’t have any transformational change like some people do, ie: losing weight, glowing up yada yada. In fact, I ate and slept well. One thing I’m thankful though is that no matter how broken I felt, I could keep up with my work as usual. I didn’t let my personal matter affect my professional life.
The hardest heartbreak I went through was when I got dumped by the one who I thought was the one. Someone who I pictured a future together with and was certain that I was included in his future plan, too. To make it more dramatic, I was dumped on my birthday. Whenever I recalled the moment I was crying my heart out at the corner of my bed, I so wanted to hug myself and assure her things would be okay, that she may bawl her eyes out and that it is definitely painful, but things would be okay, someday, somehow.
And things did turn out okay, alhamdulillah. I was working for a non-profit organization and I took all the chances I could to go outstation, I just busied myself with what I could, until I learned that as much as that helped me, I’ve got to learn to sit with sometimes deafening silence and looked further inward.
It was the breakup that made my relationships with myself and my loved ones (family and friends) even better as I started paying more attention to understand myself and to love every single person Allah blesses me with. Of course, I did cry in the early days, but I didn’t want to be blinded by this one person who decided to leave to the point I forgot the people who are there for me.
I lived through all the days and I’m certainly in a much better state these days. The thought of settling down comes visiting me every now and then, and I know I wanted to settle down not because of the pressure from anyone around me, but rather I take it as a fitrah that Allah creates us His beings with. Going through the disastrous episode has made me take the stand that I’m not gonna be involved in any relationship anymore and I intended for things to be the right way. I would rather have marriage in the conversation earlier on, see if the views, principles, and lifestyles match and not continuing the conversation if they don’t rather than wasting my time.
I was visiting a dear friend who just gave birth yesterday, when she asked me a question that got me thinking deep that maybe, I’m just not ready. With my current remote working, I’m free to go anywhere I want to. My time is flexible as I dedicate it to my family and my work. She asked “Are you ready to let go of your carefree life?”
I halted, and I’m not sure if I did answer her question or we passed the question and moving on to other topic.
Maybe, I’m still selfish with my time and focus. Not that I’m totally carefree by its definition of ‘free from anxiety or responsibility’ — MAN, adulthood causes me anxiety and demands responsibility from me more than I ever thought. I have a lot on my plate and as long as I haven’t found who I feel would be willing to walk with me while I carry my responsibility, and vice versa (relationship is always two-way, I would give as much as I wanted to be given). Being married wouldn’t miraculously solve my issues or take away my responsibility, in fact it would be doubled.
And Allah, who knows me in entirety better than I know myself, knows I’m not ready for anyone, or maybe there isn’t anyone who’s ready for me, just yet.
cue Michael Buble’s Haven’t Met You Yet
I might have to wait
I’ll never give up
I guess it’s half timing and the other half’s luck
Wherever you are, whenever it’s right
You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life
I feel slightly sheepish to be writing this all at this phase of life, but I take this as just part of my journey, as one of the chapters in my life. I don’t think I would give up, but for now, my heart does feel tired and I’m just gonna live my life as usual without looking as I believe I’m never less of a person even if Allah destines for me that I wouldn’t ever settle down.
Whatever that is khayr according to You, ya Allah.
On a lighter note, another question my friend asked me as she knows how reading is an important part of my life and how those people from my past happened to be readers themselves, was “What if he doesn’t read, but he likes you? Would you be able to accept him?”
I simply laughed. “First off, there isn’t anyone who likes me”, I said. It’s not as if I’m being choosy and rejecting people. I should have the set of criteria (reader being one of it), and whoever comes, I’ll see what I can/cannot compromise. If one wouldn’t simply offer an opening in a company without having the requirements set, why would we not have the criteria for the person we would be spending the rest of our life with, and someone who will be a huge influence to our Akhirah? :-)
I’m far from perfect, and I’ll be the first to admit all my shortcomings which I’m trying the best I could to improve, so let me quote Muse’s Unintended as a finale:
I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken
Pieces of the life I had before
